Sometimes It’s hard to tell

Man needs inspiration

nothing worse then feeling imprisoned with no perspective

we need to inspire one another, regularly, with vision and intelligence

and face the truth

and be courageous when faced with adversity and failure

nothing worse than being wrongly judged

being abused

having no say

being ripped apart

being lied to, cheated

we all need vision after all, clarity, help and support, mutual respect, fairness, understanding, reliability

get stronger

be calm and empowered

trusting ourselves and one another

work, thrive,

always thrive for truth and balance

and above all

respect

and love

“…where were you when I fell from grace, a frozen heart, an empty space…

…something’s changing and it’s your eyes, please don’t speak, you’ll only lie…

…I found treasure not where I thought, peace of mind can’t be bought…

…still I believe…

…I just hang on

suffer well

sometimes it’s hard

it’s hard to tell…”

…but it’s getting better every day

Forgiveness

Forgive yourself

those around you

and past hurts. It’s the only way forward.

The joy of living the present moment is what counts. Feel connected, stay connected.

Simple things.

The Impact of his fall was in proportion to the spread of his dreams

How serious can you get in regard to what happens in your life. How objective can you be when looking at what you did, the consequences of your actions, and your responsibility. Or rather than ‘responsibility’, let’s use the word ‘print’. Your print in the world. Since we never know what the impact of our actions really are. We never get to know that. We just assume and have, or make up, an idea. Actually we never get to know what it is we’ve actually done. We only have an idea, an impression. We project a truth, a reality, which is merely a mix of thoughts we’ve picked up, impressions and feelings we have, experiences, surroundings, likes and dislikes. I think that reality in fact eludes us. You just do with what you are, as you can.

I know, I’m losing everybody here as well as myself.

The thing is, I need to assess what I’ve done and what has occurred in my life lately. For some people, life is simple; deep down, for me too. But I am sensitive, can’t help that – and curious – and see how intricate and fascinating life is. Looking too much into detail can appear as wasting energy. And I understand that point of view totally. But I feel the urge to always look into details, and see the different currents that simultaneously run behind things at all times, and try and make sense out of it all.

Ok, I’m just avoiding the real subject I need to talk about. It’s really difficult. It’s really painful. It’s turning my being upside down. It’s making me reassess my life and my person at the core, which I need to do, and I also need to come to terms with what has just taken place. I’m just not sure if I can write it down here yet though. Maybe a bit early for that.

Follow the natural process, in its own time. To absorb. To move on, to come to terms with it.

And I have no clue as how to.

One day at a time.

I may never get to see nor know my child, who may never get to know his/her real father.

I say “may” because you never know with life.

What to make of this.

I thought for years that life was rational and meaningful, with purpose.

I thought I had figured things out. I had no idea. And thankfully so.

I feel that there is something behind, beautiful and strong, which is going to come out of this. Some truth.

I do feel like an emotional zombie though these days.

My life upside down.

More awareness.

Warmth

God I need warmth. Human warmth.

But it’s ok, really ok. I have faith.

Someone totally new is entering my life – and he or she is the person I will always care for more than anybody else in the world, myself included. I will be a pillar and guide to our baby. And an unending source of love for him or her.

My life is changing drastically for the happier. And I am changing too, in the process.

This is the greatest gift of all. And it’s giving my life real meaning and purpose.

Get Right

I have been too erratic, emotionally unstable, selfish and uncaring. What is happening in my life these days is a reflection of this. You always reap what you sow. And I’m aware that this current state of things I’m in now isn’t entirely “my fault”. If I look at things more carefully I get to understand that this has a lot to do with my past, influences, and situations over which I didn’t have much control. However, as an adult I do have the power to change and grow.

Next week I’m going to go to a psychologist with the aim of dealing with my own issues and improve. It may take some time, pain and effort before I start to feel the positive rewards, but at this point this is my only way to progress. At last. At last I am facing it and want to deal with it.

Life’s challenges. I am grateful to have this opportunity at this stage in my life, this is my chance to grow into maturity.

Where do you find the courage?

I won’t delve into details, but I’m going through a really hard time. A trauma. And I’m wondering where and how to find the courage to move forward. Jesus. This is so hard.

A goodbye

I’ve just come home from a hospital. I’m a bit speechless.

Simone, dear Simone. A lovely girl, a great friend.

I don’t know how to write this, but need to.

Simone passed away this evening. Her boyfriend Frodo died last sunday. They had a car crash on December 31st. Simone was 31 and Frodo 39. I never got the chance to get to know him.

Simone was a talented oboist. She had a great sense of humour and joy, she was just great to be around. In the last years, we didn’t see each other that often, though we always remained good friends.

It’s very hard to believe that this is happening.

The last time I saw Simone was in October. We spend a few hours together and talked and laughed. She told me then about Frodo, how in love she was and happy with him. I was so happy for her. I’ve heard these last 3 days from her family how happy they were together, with plans to start a family.

Simone’s sister, Andrea, is the one who called me to tell me the devastating news. I’m so glad she did. When I got there on monday, she told me the state in which Simone was, there was very little hope. She was in a coma and the doctors were trying one last treatment, but in vain. Andrea told me back then that Frodo has passed on sunday. One of my first thoughts was that, in that case, let her go too, let them be together wherever that is. I’ve read lots of things about what happens after we die but of course have no clue myself. So I’m simply wishing them…

Such events bring some new perspective into your life. I am going through difficult times myself but am keeping a bright outlook on life. Definitely. This is the only way I wish to live now, being optimistic and enjoying the little things of life, even – or especially – in the face of adversity. There’s no time nor space for doubt, fear, anxiety, worry, being down anymore, these just bring sadness and I just don’t want to be sad, I want to be joyous and bring joy to those around me, those that I love. Just walking back home felt great, I was just happy to be alive, in my full physical, emotional and mental capacities, and have the chance to feel alive.

Simple things.

My mistakes have brought me a renewed sense of really enjoying and nurturing what is there. Nurture what and who is precious in your life. I can draw, and will do so, a list of all the simple things I enjoy doing. This list includes singing, friends, laughing, loving, beauty, cooking and eating good foods, drawing, writing, giving, exercise, music, or just enjoying being in the company of someone special… on and on.

Simone was my girlfriend from 1999 to 2001. We shared a lot. We lived together. We broke up, I can’t even really remember the reason why. But we did so in a very healthy way, which is how we managed to remain such good friends til the end. Since her, my love life has been pretty erratic until I met Lucy who I deeply love, unconditionally.

And it’s on this note I wish to wrap up this post. I am, in my life, now, finally, after years of searching, growing into real, unconditional, Love. I wish everyone the same.

Happy New Year

I wish everybody a very happy, joyful, healthy, loving and inspiring year. May peace prevail Lots of Love.

Merry Xmas

It’s been a while since this blog has been updated, I just didn’t feel the need to write here, lots of changes in my life at this time, big changes. And tonight I am a bit commotioned.

Merry Xmas to all!

Shame shame shame, humans, utter shame on you

I can’t believe it yet it seems so obvious and logical. I just didn’t know. Large areas of the pacific ocean, from Japan to Hawaï, are full of garbage, plastic, just floating there. Disgusting. Full article here.

We’re so ruining our marvelous environment, planet. We’re so fucking it all up. What’s so great about our species, huh? We’re all responsible.

I’m going to spend the whole night scratching my head off on how did we get so far, and, especially, what are we going to do about it, and is there any hope anyway.

I feel devastated.