The Impact of his fall was in proportion to the spread of his dreams

How serious can you get in regard to what happens in your life. How objective can you be when looking at what you did, the consequences of your actions, and your responsibility. Or rather than ‘responsibility’, let’s use the word ‘print’. Your print in the world. Since we never know what the impact of our actions really are. We never get to know that. We just assume and have, or make up, an idea. Actually we never get to know what it is we’ve actually done. We only have an idea, an impression. We project a truth, a reality, which is merely a mix of thoughts we’ve picked up, impressions and feelings we have, experiences, surroundings, likes and dislikes. I think that reality in fact eludes us. You just do with what you are, as you can.

I know, I’m losing everybody here as well as myself.

The thing is, I need to assess what I’ve done and what has occurred in my life lately. For some people, life is simple; deep down, for me too. But I am sensitive, can’t help that – and curious – and see how intricate and fascinating life is. Looking too much into detail can appear as wasting energy. And I understand that point of view totally. But I feel the urge to always look into details, and see the different currents that simultaneously run behind things at all times, and try and make sense out of it all.

Ok, I’m just avoiding the real subject I need to talk about. It’s really difficult. It’s really painful. It’s turning my being upside down. It’s making me reassess my life and my person at the core, which I need to do, and I also need to come to terms with what has just taken place. I’m just not sure if I can write it down here yet though. Maybe a bit early for that.

Follow the natural process, in its own time. To absorb. To move on, to come to terms with it.

And I have no clue as how to.

One day at a time.

I may never get to see nor know my child, who may never get to know his/her real father.

I say “may” because you never know with life.

What to make of this.

I thought for years that life was rational and meaningful, with purpose.

I thought I had figured things out. I had no idea. And thankfully so.

I feel that there is something behind, beautiful and strong, which is going to come out of this. Some truth.

I do feel like an emotional zombie though these days.

My life upside down.

More awareness.