Of what I miss

30 05 2006

If I ask myself now if I should turn right or left, I don't know. Seems like it makes no difference. For years I've been obsessed, I think it's the right term, with the fear of not making the right choices. As I move on, now, and both my parents are gone, it doesn't matter whether I chose A, B or C. And I don't mind, it's not scary as it used to be; constantly responding to schemes and patterns you've been used to in your given environment – there is some rest in this. It's some kind of awareness. Freedom from a certain perspective. 

It also seems to me now that Nature, God, Evolution, are neutral and totally not interested in regard to our choices. I used to be a very angry young man. Angry and holding myself back, uncomfortable and seeking answers all over. Hyper critical and afraid of what people might think, afraid they would cast me out. That drained lots of energy out. If I'd had then the peace of mind I have now, I would have made different choices. Yet I do notcompletely comprehend why I'm getting this awareness now, even though I understand the mechanisms that led to it. 

I'm just wondering, "What have I achieved in my life up to now?", and, though I can make a list of events and actions, I cannot fully name something that seems important enough to my eyes for meto feel satisfied. And what does this tell me? It tells me something very simple. That I was never 100% behind my choices and actions, and that's why nothing of what I've done feels consistent to me, and why it feels to me like I'm missing it. To truly be and to truly express. I haven't listened to my heart and inner voice enough. This is no judgement, this is the revelation ofa need. I've touched a lot of different things, tried, or partially have, but never fully embraced any. And this is what I miss, that's all. 




One response

31 05 2006

wow I love the way you write. Really touching. I remember being an angry critical kid myself too once upon a time. It all wears out as the hair on our head starts to fall out. Brilliant post, brilliant blog!

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