I can make this work

26 03 2008

Sorry for those of you who will read this if it’s not very intersting for you, since a blog is enjoyable, maybe, when showing information found out there on the websphere about any topic. But a blog can also be used as a diary, a personal reflection place. And this is what I need to use it for, these days.

So basically, I’m writing out my present thoughts and emotions. Even though I don’t wish to get too narcissistic. But there, my troubled mind and heart need tools to get out of limbo, of those swamps I’m finding myself in at present.

I look around and think a lot. About what has happened between her and me. And I talk quite a lot about it too, to friends. About how it was so great and, from one day to the other, turned totally awry and wrong, and painful, for both of us. And now she needs rest, some time to think. So she is taking that, and I won’t interfere until she feels ready. Meanwhile however, I need to get a grip on myself. I don’t know quite how, and I’m looking for ways to feel better and get positive. So I try and look at things in the most realistic way possible.

I know I can make this work. By ‘this’, I mean, getting back on track. Of course I wish our relationship to be again what it was.

But too many things have occurred and been said, from both sides, for it to be as it was. The good news about this is, the crisis happened probably because it needed to; there was something not quite working, under the surface, obviously. I believe that it had to happen sooner or later. We both got disappointed at each other’s respective reactions. We didn’t expect what the other had to say and how the other acted. Now it’s time to digest and re-evaluate things. If we do carry on after this, because we both choose to, it will be much stronger. And totally wanted.

I’m just afraid this might never happen. I’m not sure she does want it anymore. She doesn’t know herself. And I also have my doubts. But I’m just so fond of her.

And then there’s our age difference. 14 years. Perhaps too much. It hadn’t played much of a role though so far.

But for now, the most important is that I manage to get back on track. Yesterday I was taken in to a hospital because the emotional pain and stress had resulted in an acute chest pain. After investigation, it seems to be all right, but I need to take things more easy. So I’ve taken a few days off work. I want to rebuild. But for that, I first need to relax. Let go. Empty the sad emotions out. Once and for all get rid of some fears. In order to do so, I need to find out the root of those fears. And then realize they are built on some false assumption. Only then can I free myself from them. And I would need to get out, see friends, go do some sports. Feel lighter. Get rid of the heaviness. Switch off. Not think about this anymore, at least for a few hours, or so…

And guess what. It is slightly getting better, a small step at a time, each day. Each day I feel a little more joyous and optimistic about life. Of course I can think, ‘If it’s not meant to be, then it’s not meant to be’. But this is too much of an easy answer, like you don’t care. Even though it may sound wise, it’s only just taking the easy way out. And not confronting yourself and your situation.

As for my her, well I believe she is simply resting right now, in her mind, and she’ll get in touch when she feels ready for it. I know she will. I hope she finds peace of mind and clarity.

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2 responses

29 03 2008
nans

Painfull story Dylan, I wish you strenght! take care!

29 03 2008
nans

painfull story Dylan. I wish you strenght! take care!

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