Glad… and not

26 05 2008

Positive, negative neutral: what we are.

Like electricity.

Can’t feel one way only. How can you have a day without a night?

I’m sitting in a (deep ?) depression. Yeah, it happens, to most (all ?) of us at times. The moment you recognize it is the beginning of getting better. “Don’t be depressed…!” Yes but in order to get really well again, sometimes you need to live negative emotions fully and not avoid them.

I’m not glad I’m in a depression. I’m glad I’m recognizing that I’m in one.

I’m not glad my ex girlfriend dumped me so harshly, closed her door like a bunker, didn’t help me at all in my pain, and that we weren’t able to really communicate or understand each other, that I didn’t show her enough attention or love or understanding and that I was so attached to her. I’m glad we’ve spent those great intimate months together even though it sometimes feels like it was all just a dream.

I’m not glad I don’t have my flat yet. I’m glad I’m able to stay at a good friends for the time being.

I’m not glad that my company is doing so bad. I’m glad that things are going to get better.

I’m not glad I’ve been feeling so much pain recently without seeing an end to it. I’m glad to be starting to see a glimpse of really feeling good again, it’s just around the corner, I must focus on this and be open to it.

I’m not glad we haven’t been paid in three months. I’m glad I still have money to be able to cope.

I’m not glad I don’t see my family often enough. I’m glad our contact is a very good one.

I’m glad I’m healthy and have many abilities. I’m not so glad that I don’t seem to be able to reach happiness though in spite of all these abilities.

I’m glad I live in the western world where we have our physical needs met. I’m not glad I live in the western world where people are so rude, selfish, not generous, spoiled without realizing how blessed they are and treat others like objects.

What goes around comes around. Be it good, bad, or neutral. I recognize this since I’m feeling back the pain that I’ve unconsciously done to others over the years.

I could carry on with the list. But I won’t.

I just need a nice word from someone.




2 responses

27 05 2008

Great list, you are alive! Welcome in the game called life!

28 05 2008

glad to hear from you, glad that you still see some light, good things. It is hard, but it will get better. You can make it better! It’s all inside of you…

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